4 years ago,
an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm,
feel right now? She must be feeling
extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the
exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I
have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for
my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an
emergency at work. Hence, I had
to
leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there were
still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at
work as well as when I am home. So
after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I
went straight into the room, skipping
dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and
felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid!
I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles
and a mess on the bed sheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a
clothes hanger, charged straight at
my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking
for mercy, except a short explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore
leftover rice. But you were not
back
yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use
the gas stove without any adults
around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you
and the other is for me. However, I
was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I
forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing
with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down
my cheeks... but I didn't want my son
to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After
that episode, I went towards my son to
give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the
mess on the bed. When everything
was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on
his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have
tried, in this period, to focus
on
giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will
be graduating from kindergarten.
Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still
happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again,
with much regret. This time,
his
kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home,
expecting him to explain. But he
wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery
shop, happily playing computer games. I was
fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry,
Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized
by his school and the invite
is
for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to
tell me, the kindergarten has
recently
taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his
writing, which I am sure, would make
my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another
year has passed. It's winter,
and
it's Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by... Christmas carols and shoppers.... but alas,
my son got into another trouble.
When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the
postmaster was also on an edgy mood.
He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make
a promise never to hit my son again, I
couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before,
he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no
additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters
with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his
prank, during this time of the
year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The
letters were for Mummy. My eyes
grew
teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But
why did you post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: "
I have been writing to
mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I
was not able to post the letters. But
recently, when I went back to the post box, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..." After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not
knowing what to do, what to say.....
I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly
kingdom, so in future, if you
have
anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and
calm, and soon after, he was sleeping
soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help
opening the letter before they turn to
ash. And one of the letters
broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent
Show' in school, and the school
invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell
Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad
would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my
sadness, I sat in front of the computer and
started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but
I did not tell him the real reason.
Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his
room. I think we both miss you very very
much. Too much for our own good, I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in
my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you
fall asleep with the photograph
of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I can't stop sobbing.
'cos I can never replace the
irreplaceable
gap left behind by my wife....
For the
females with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot
finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is
not your sole problem. Feedback to
your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that
you can treasure and take care of your
little precious.
For the
married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace
your good health, not even business nor
clients. Try thinking this way,
are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally
dependent on you? In this society,
no
one is indispensable.
Take care of your
health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those
singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will
see the beauty in other things around you.
You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss,
so nothing matters more than your well
being.
